So today the Globe & Mail is reporting that a man accused of sexual assault in 2003 has been acquitted on the defense of “sexsomnia.”
Apparently, dude was all drunk an exhausted at a polo party in the Beaches (Who the hell has polo parties? Where is there room to play polo in the Beaches?), when he crashed on a couch and woke up half-naked and humping some chick who had also fallen asleep on a couch at the party. She was, understandably, unimpressed.
So apart from the legal WTF? about this whole thing, it makes me wonder what impact sexsomnia (and related disorders) may have on the world :
1. Kill two birds with one stone. “I’m not in the mood tonight” can mean “We’ll take care of this when we’re both unconscious.”
2. No performance anxiety. But let’s be honest, if it’s so boring that you remain asleep during the act, it can’t be that good.
3. Worksomnia. Come to the office, fall asleep, work the day away, go home, wake up. No pressure, no bitch coworkers, so soul-sucking rage and frustration.
4. Transitsomnia. Sleep away the ride on the streetcar so you don’t have to see, smell and hear the other riders. On the upside, any random sleep-related noises and/or bodily functions you let fly will totally blend in with the background ambiance of the Queen streetcar.
Of course, the Crown is appealing the acquittal, so that “I was asleep” doesn’t become the de-facto defense for everything, leading to new diagnoses of “murdersomnia,” “grand theft autosomnia,” and “break and entersomnia.”
